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The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the bottom in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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The Vicar spoke to his curate. "I'm going away today, but I'll be back on Saturday evening in time to conduct matins on Sunday morning. Will you make sure the hymn numbers are put up on Saturday afternoon so that everything is ready when the service begins? They're all written on this piece of paper apart from the first hymn."
"Yes, certainly Vicar, but what are you doing about the first hymn?" asked the curate.
"It depends", said the Vicar. "It's Polling Day for the General Election on Thursday. The first hymn will depend on the result. If the Conservatives have a sufficient majority to form a government, it'll be 283, "Now thank we all our God. However, if Labour has most seats and are going to form the next government, then put up number 578, "Go labour on, spend and be spent."
"Yes, right", said the curate. I'll see you on Sunday morning, then.
" Oh, there's just one thing," said the curate. Suppose the Liberal Democrats have the majority, what number would you want me to put up in that circumstance?"
"Oh, in that circumstance, it'll be 482, "God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform."
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At the end of the vicar's pre-Lent sermon he suggested, as an example to the rest of the community, the congregation should worship in an unheated church for the whole of Lent.
As they made their way out into the chill Sunday air the vicar addressed one member of the congregation asking her what she had decided to give up for Lent.
"Church," she replied firmly.
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Steward to visiting preacher: "Do speak up minister, the agnostics in here are terrible."
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A One Question IQ Test
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day.
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
(answer below after the cartoon)
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